Down a rutted path, along dormant liana, beside the mucky river and near a bridge, I find stillness for the day. Within twenty to sixty seconds of exposure to nature heart rate slows, blood pressure drops, breathing regulates and brain activity becomes more relaxed. It’s funny how we crave connections, yet we keep disconnecting not only from the wild but from one another. I bet we change all the wackiness we have normalized throughout generations and flip it on its face once we all find our spot in the wilderness and spend a few minutes each day paying homage looking within instead of outside ourselves for answers, for validations. After mulling over the past couple of decades and thinking of the thousand things I have been through yet all a familiar orbital loop it feels like a blasé blur that kept my mind in a dizzy spell and my nervous system awry. No doubt these experiences shook me and broke me to the core until I normalized it all essentially loosing myself slowly yet steadily as I learned to betray myself each and every time I caved into his fictitious world. I trained for years prior to my dysfunctional relationship watching others tolerate behaviors that reinforced the narrative in my head. Gabor Mate says often what we call our personality traits are our adaptive strategies. I had my fair share of them. Our lives were lost in an entangled perfidy that became so shambolic it couldn’t be ignored any more. And yet, while not all parties want to dig into the core and unravel the knotted mess, I hauled myself out and there’s no way I’m sinking back. I’m standing in my truth and making the transformation back to myself setting boundaries and brushing off the gaselighting like pesty mosquitoes and all those promises that never grew to be…I’ve unbound myself from that captive trap.
My thought of the day from my spot of the day: a bridge, aesthetically and functionally a marvel and a reliable way to get across to the other side. I’m dashing to that bridge ready to cross over to the unknown and the uncertainty for the prison of familiar pain will not only get me nowhere but never allow me to heal my heart from the black and blue.